Love and Relationships – The affect of ‘Hollywood Love’

This blog is a transcript of Brother Hassanain Rajabalis lecture that was posted on the YouTube link here which discusses the development of a typical individual who faces the pressures of the ‘Hollywood’ perception of love and the potential effect it could have on his life. 


Imagine you meet a girl and say ‘Hi’ and she smiles at you just a smile ‘Hi’ you know go to the supermarket ‘Hi’ she raises her eyebrow, you raise your eye brow. The eye catches… your done!. trust me, if that thing is not going to bring you down…. i’ve seen boys..’I can’t sleep’ ‘I can’t think’ ‘I’m just thinking about the girl’ really you cant sleep? ‘yeah she looked at me she smiled’ I said how do you know she’s not smiling at the guy behind you?’ …..’No No No No.. she smiled at me… Im in love!’ .. I said you don’t even know what love means. “Yes I do’ I said tell me what does it mean. He says ‘When you have this butterfly in your stomach.’ … I said ‘you are so immature when it comes to love..sure the butterflies are good but even when the CIA calls you for interrogation you’ll have butterflies…Now are you in love with the CIA?’ ‘No that just means your queezy, your feeling funny’ I said “Ok your feeling funny that doesn’t mean you’re in love!’

We have this false facade that if a girl talks to the other… “Oh my god this prince.. this little frog, is going to kiss him and they just going to live happily ever after’ This hollywood generates these stories for us that we think it is real. We don’t realise that even that one ‘Hi’ alone ‘Heres my number’ .. Your done! . You might say ‘what do you mean I’m done, I have an opportunity here’ sure you do… Shaytan is filled with opportunities.. Shaytan sends us so many postcards in the mail, even on the internet, right, you get an email, ‘click here for a good time’… your done. He takes you to territories you never imagined possible.

What I am trying say is when we get into relationships, especially cross gender relationships, when we maintain friendliness with the opposite gender it has a very real connotation and it marks your life. You might say ‘its just a passing cloud , I said Hi to the girl we had a good time, we tried to see if there was anything spark wise, but it didn’t work out we moved our way’

What we don’t understand is that this opportunity opens a thousand more because that one ‘Hi’ with a smile sticks in my head, that it is possible that now I go looking for more ‘Hi’s’.. Literally. So what happens is you start going looking and you can’t stop then Shaytan takes over our biology. What happens is we start building a baggage, typically 13/14 year old boys who already now very pure but they are very emotional, these days with social networking like Facebook, they start connecting, their photographs, you know somebody sends them a heart ‘youre cute’ .. That’s it.. your done. The boy starts feeling wow, looks in the mirror… keeps looking at himself in the mirror. Suddenly now he is realising wow he is cute. Opportunities they just boundless, you just can’t stop, so he starts getting bold and starts chatting online thinking ‘I am a man, I can handle it’ and his chatting with somebody out there who claims that she really likes him. Before you know it his fantasies are getting built and he starts responding and revealing his heart, because he really thinks this ones for me, this is the one I am going to be married to, this is the one I am going to have children with and then going to retire…. poor guy. You know we are all chuckling because we all know that it will never happen, but we all try it if we have that opportunity, most of us would do it because it’s just curiosity of the human being. We just can’t stop it, he says ‘Im curious’ were just very curious people.

What happens is when we get scarred with that leap of faith in giving our inner self to somebody and we find that person disconnects from us its a scar in our social transaction, it builds it starts to stack up like what you call collective stacking. You start getting angry and before you know it you start joining the bandwagon, instead of now somebody disconnecting your desires we start to disconnect their desires. This is because we want to be ahead of the game now, we no longer want to be hurt, ‘id rather hurt than be hurt’, and the cycle is constant, if you ever monitor conversations online its amazing how much of the little childs play you know we call in the animal kingdom, when you try to attract the other gender, humans are constantly doing this, constant. What we forget is all these little transactions add up and it makes us who we are, then when the real spouse shows up, when we are ready to settle with her, you can’t handle her because we start laying all the rules on her because we don’t want to get rejected. The poor girl is innocent, I am just talking from the boys point of view but there’s quite the reverse also, it works both ways. You find in these cases the marriages don’t work it leads to marriage break ups you find the majority of marriages, majority now!, 70% of marriages don’t last you find people are living out of wed lock we find all these little pleasures we take on the sidelines, even with Mut’aa affects the psyche of who we are then that wife who you got who was a permanent one. All the baggage gets unleashed on them, our children, sometimes many times many of our children get beaten by their fathers and their mothers they are smacked and kicked and whipped and I am thinking why?.

You know the most beloved possession is your own blood your child, why would you hit your own child, because all this frustration bottles up…we just don’t have a release, why? Because we have not put Allah on the front line. If we take Allah and carefully manage our relationships, Allah says get married

وَأَنْكِحُوا الْأَيَامَىٰ مِنْكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ ۚ إِنْ يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِنْ فَضْلِهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ {32}

[Shakir 24:32] And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing.

Allah never said don’t get them married, enjoy it Allah says..

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ {21}

[Shakir 30:21] And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.

This is a mercy of Allah that he makes from amongst yourselves that you have rest with each other that you get married and have children, this is a mercy of Allah. Allah says do it my way not the western way, not these anti God ways that pretend to be expressing freedom that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want and you can dump whoever you want however you want. Allah says that’s not how it works there is a law even in divorce that you have to go through a due process and when you get married, Allah must be between you that when you look at that women, see her as a gift from Allah (swt) and when the woman looks at the man, say this is my gift from Allah (swt).

Now the transaction changes, but if my opportunities are constant, even when I get married, ill see my marriage as a burden on me, its holding me back from all the pleasures that I can potentially have. You find men that are married that are not satisfied with their wives, they have to go marry another one, and marry another one… why? Whats the problem? ‘oh this is just my nature’ go back to the history of the person you’ll see they couldn’t handle one, now they have taken a woman whose given her life to the cause of Allah and the family, you find the husband is somewhere else. You know how devastating it is for the wife and the children, it leads to apathy.

Br. Hassanain Rajabali

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About mohamedridha

Network Systems Engineer with focus on Wireless LAN Infrastructure and Security. Interests in Middle East

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