Title: Understanding Men and Women
Location: Muhammadi Trust
Lecturer: Sayed Hossein Al Qazwini
Date: Saturday 7th April 2012
Shakir 30:21] And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.
When we study the life of Fatima we see many aspects, she was the greatest scholar she was the greatest worshipper and so on. There were many aspects to her life, Fatima was at the forefront in all her fields. Amongst the things we notice is that she was a exemplary wife. The night of her wedding to Imam Ali, Rasool Allah tells Ali ,
“Fatima is the best wife know her value”.
Because she was the best wife and because Imam Ali was the best husband then it is logical that their marriage was successful.
A marriage based on love, friendship and mutual respect.
Today my dear brothers and sisters some of you are married and some not, all of you will inshallah get married at the end of the day. Today a happy marriage or perfect marriage is something very rare that only exist in the movies or stories from our grandparents .
As for a real marriage today is very rare, whether it is amongst Muslims or non Muslims whether in the east or in the west. A happy marriage is very very rare to find. Did you know that year year alone in 2011 in Iraq there were over 800,000 divorces. We talk about a population no more than 25 million and there were 800,000 cases of divorce. Many of the marriages or engagements today are ending badly, there are many reasons for this, if we want to talk about why it ends in divorce and fails there are lots of reasons and we can stay till morning. However I would like to talk about a specific topic and it will benefit you if you chose to marry or not.
One of the problems is that men and women do not understand one another. they both think differently and their needs and desires are not the same. Men and women are very different, a mans thinking or goals and desires are completely different of what a women thinks or desires. When does the problem arise, when a man thinks that a women thinks similarly like him. When he expects the wife to think like him and vice versa. This is a problem and they don’t understand one another.
I remember a few years ago a movie came out called what women want. staring Mel Gibson this is interesting as it is about a guy who is hit with thunder and all of sudden he can read minds of women and he becomes a relationship expert because he knows what women want and he begins to get involved in successful relationships. This shows you that both genders think completely differently.
Tonight I will chose five points in which men and women are different in, five various points and show the differences between men and women god willing.
What motivates man is completely different from what motivates women. what drives a man is different from what drives a women. you see my brothers and sisters, men are simple creatures they are not complicated in their thinking desires and needs, their goal is one and that is their career and occupation.
A man cares about who he is, meaning what title he has whether he is a doctor or position or a speaker or head of committee. He has a goal he wants to be someone, he cares about how to be that someone what is it he has to do to be that someone. He cares about how much will he be making as that someone. Men are raised to think that way to worry about their career to be some when they grow up. To be someone that his family are proud off. Thus his mind is preoccupied in reaching his goal in these three places. who what and how much. His focus is on that completely.Ever since childhood he is told you have to be strong and successful and make us proud and you have to honour the name and last name of your family and you have to be the bread winner and so on and so fourth so this child is raised with so much pressure on his shoulders to become someone that is why his focus will aways be on achieve these three goals. If he doesn’t achieve these 3 goals this man will feel he is failure as if he is a joke because society is judging on these 3 bases look at the lives of young people now, we judge the young men according to what they do who they are and how much they make. is this fair? put this on the side we not talking about this we talking about reality .
We judge men by who they are and position but we don’t judge women the same way we only judge our men according to these standards. Thus this puts a lot of pressure on the man to be proud of himself and make his family proud and to make sure that man and people judge him in a fair and good way.
Ladies this might help you to understand why some men come late home from work, no he is not cheating on you most likely he is occupied with what he is doing, this might help you understand why he has mood swings , understand why he does not give you attention. one of differences between the two is that men can only focus on one thing. For example when watching tv no matter how much you talk to him his mind is on television but women can focus on several things at one time.
One day a person told me a story where he said I came back home and I saw my wife holding the baby, cooking, talking on phone and watching a turkish series. This is possible for them but not for us, it is illogical to expect man to focus on these together.
You need to help him achieve his goal in these 3 places help him become the man he wants to become. help him achieve his goal in making the amount he wants to make. In helping him you are actually helping yourself in having a stable and happy married life. This is number one
2) A Women’s love vs a Mans love.
Both men and women are capable of loving however the way they portay and express their love is completely different women have their own way and men have their own way of expressing showing love but some people don’t get it. Some say my husband don’t love me because she expects him to express love the same way she does this is wrong because they express love totally different.
A womens love is like a mothers love it is warm and compassionate it makes you feel secure and good when a women loves a man she gives him her entire heart she is willing to do anything for him. She is willing to speak to him all night all until she loses her voice. She treats him like her own son. A women’s love is much like a mothers love. She will treat him like her own son and she expects the man to treat her the same way. So she would probably expect him to call a lot to give her nickname to cuddle and hold hands 24/7, change dippers without asking him, wash dishes without having her asking him to do so. This is unrealistic men do love yet they have a different way of showing their love. When a man loves you he won’t hold your hands all the time or take you shopping all the time he will do something else.
He is going to provide, when a man loves he is going to provide for his family he is taught to do this form a young age it is a taboo for someone else to provide he has to be the one bringing the cash home. Thus a man shows his love and expresses his love by providing, he might not call you ‘teddy bear’ but when he provides and gives all he has he is expressing his love. When a man loves he is not going to hide his money he will make sure every penny is all for his family and his kids. He is not working morning till night for friends or neighbours he is doing it for his wife. In fact if you have needs and he has needs financially he will give prioritise to your needs before his. he will provide
2) He will protect, a man that loves a women will protect her, he will protect her from danger from an enemy. a man that loves will never let his women be in danger he will never allow her to be in a inappropriate position. I don’t mean protect from bulgur (this is given) it can come from anything he will make sure no one hurts her physically or verbally and that no one will hurt her feelings or disrespect her, he will make sure that you are always safe and healthy.
A man will be willing to take his wife to the hospital in the middle of night, this is his protection this is how he expresses himself his love he provides and he protects. when a man does this, to him he has done it, to him his obligation is over he has shown his love he doesn’t need to do anything else. When a women questions his love he is shocked and offended because to him he is already providing isn’t this enough? this is how a man thinks .
3) What a women wants vs What a mans wants
You see just as men are simple creatures, women are complicated, some are very complicated that until today no one has figured out what a women wants. Today is special but tomorrow changes. it can easily switch from one thing to another it is always different.
There is a radio talk show host by the name of Steve Harvey very well known in America he started as a comedian than began a radio show. He has a book called ‘Act like a lady and think like a man’ he says this about women.. it is a joke but has truth and wisdom to it, wisdom should be take from anywhere
“Women actually need four men, 1) Old guy to bring in the cash and a lot of money 2) ugly guy the ugly guy will do the work he will serve and wash dishes he is happy that you actually talk to him 3) they need cute guy, that is obvious why 4) they need a gay guy, the gay guy is for going shipping with and gossiping”
It has some truth to it there is a wisdom in that the needs can switch they are complicated beings whilst men are very simple their desires are simple.
I can make a generalisation and most likey all men fall into this category that men have three needs and these are the main three needs that a man requires. usally doesn’t get more demanding than this
A Man needs support, he lives a tough life he is trying to prove himself he is fighting out a battle to prove himself because he knows he is being judged by society thus outside he is fighting a battle and always has his guard up. At home the man wants to relax and that at home he has peace of mind he has comfort someone that will support him stand up for him and encourage him and will give him self esteem and self confidence, that person is his wife. A husband expects this from his wife even if it a few words. Us men can be fooled from a couple of words we just need a few kinds words, words of support and appreciation. A man requires support and of course you will say women requires support too, absouloutely a women also wants appreciation who doesn’t? everyone wants to feel appreciated. a husband must make his wife feel appreciated. A husband wants to hear a ‘thank you’ or ‘good job’. Those few words of appreciation will motivate him to go outside the house and come back home with the bread. That is why the famous saying that says “behind every great man there is a great women” this is true you will never find a great man without a women that supports him , encouraging him and pushing him to become batter . I assure you.
A man wants his wife to be loyal to him, his wife’s love means loyally if a wife is not loyal that means she does not love him. I don’t mean that she does not cheat on him that is standard. I mean she married him because of him and not because of anything else not about his family or what he owns. That she will stick to him no matter what, whether he owned millions or in debt whether he owns a house or does not own a house. This is a great feeling when a man feels this from a women he will feels like a king and if you make him feel like king he will give you everything.
If a man does not get these three things from his wife he will go look at this from someone else, these are important 3 things to bear in mind. This is very important for sisters to hear this and this is a reality if you not providing this for your husband he will look somewhere else because he needs these three aspects.
4) What scares a man?
One thing that scares a man that women do not know about or if they do know about they tend to ignore it. what scares a man is when you tell him ” we need to talk” no man wants to hear that statement men do not what to hear that it scares them. Why? because it could mean one of two things. One he is in trouble and he will be lectured which no man wants to be lectured by his wife about how he messed up or even worse she just wants to sit and chat with.
You see my dear brothers and sisters as we are children boys are not encouraged to express themselves in general they are not they are not encouraged to be emotional I am not telling you this is right or wrong just telling you the reality. Whether in our community or in western community, in general boys are not encouraged to express themselves they are always told be tough and ‘man it out’ don’t cry. women are on the other hand very emotional and aways asked about their feelings and they are encouraged to talk and express themselves that is why when they grow up women like to get it off their chest they have something on their chest they like to get it off. Sometimes they just want to talk even if there is no solution.
The best person to talk and vent with is your girlfriend not the guy. The guy is not into the talking business he is into the fixing business for example you talk to your friend about a problem e.g. you want to a party last night and you saw a lady wearing the same dress you were wearing you will call your girlfriend and talk about this problem for hours and she will give you solution but if you talk to your husband he will reply ‘you are back home its over you are not looking at her what is the problem?’ . A man will not sit and discuss this he will not let you discuss and pour your heart to him., the man will tell you this is the solution and tell you here take it. I am sure you have seen your mothers talking to her girlfriends and you can tell that they are both complaining as the solution is always ‘ya soda3alaya’
At the end of the day if there is no solution they still feel a lot better you can do that with your girlfriend but not with your husband, he will get scared not that he hates you but he is not in the talking business he is in the fixing business it is not in your fault and a it is not impossible to talk but it is hard. The next time you say he doesn’t want to talk to me he does not open up it is not you, know that there is a problem that men can’t talk. At the same time men should also understand that it wont kill them to sit once in while sometimes a women just wants someone to listen. It wont kill you. I know how horrible it is but something you just can’t beat around it
Women love change but men hate change. change for man is undesirable generally, men usually like the things the way they are, if a man does not do something about it that means he is comfortable he will not do something about it. He will have the same haircut for 20 years. Women however love change without change life will be boring for them even something very simple like they will take a sofa and change form one position to another. without change life will be dull and boring as for a man this doe not make difference but for women tho makes all the difference. Thats is why you will see a women cut her hear by 1cm and go to her husband and say ‘what do you think’ and husband will reply ‘lovely’ but he doesn’t know what she is talking about but he cannot say he doesn’t know, how dare he. Or she will go to the kitchen and change everything in the cabinet there is no need but the is change and important for her. This can create a problem when a man doesn’t want change but the women wants change there will be conflict of interest.
These are points to remember so when you make decision to get married you will have a successful marriage inshallah.
We come to Imam Ali and Fatima Al Zahra as we mentioned the night of her wedding Rasool tells Amir oh Ali “Fatima is the best wife know her value” and tells Faitma “Ali is the best husband” indeed they were the best couple.
Faitma was the best wife because she carried not just her duties and responsibilities some women think being good wife means doing these things only, the is ridiculous, if man and wife want to live life of just duties and responsibilities then there is no love. A good wife means being supportive being encouraging of your husband making him feel worth it. Making him feel that the pain he has to go through to make living is all worth it. In reality making him feel like a king and vice versa. That her life resolved around him and that she is supportive of him and that no matter what she will stick by his side and she will raise proper good muslims for him, this is a good wife. A good wife will make her husband forget about his problems
Imam Ali says “when i had problems and difficulties and issues all i had to do is look at the face of Fatima A Zahra”
You see he doesn’t say I would go sit and talk to her or ask her for advice, Imam Ali says all I would do is look at the face of faith and forget everything just her glance was a glance of support and encouragement and appreciation.
One day he came back home and he asked Fatima for food to eat Fatima was embarrassed we haven’t had food for two days we don’t have food. He said for two days? why didn’t you tell me. she replied “I didn’t want to burden you because I know if you have you will provide you will not hide it, but when you not providing that means you dont have and I do not want to burden you”
Imam Al Sadiq says Fatima and Ali would divide the chores of the house you see some men think their duty is outside the house but inside the house its all on the shoulders of the wife this is not right. Al Sadiq says “duties were divided between the two sometimes Imam Ali would sweep and clean the house and sometimes he would cook himself and he was honoured because he was serving his wife”. He would never address her as Fatima he would also call her ‘Oh daughter of the Prophet’. He would respect her and in turn she would never call him by his first name she should always say ‘oh my cousin’. From day one they both had respect for one another they never crossed the boundaries. They loved each other so much that Imam Ali after the loss of Fatima collapsed, he was a fierce warrior in battle field but when he heard the news he fell on the ground he was sad he wrote verses of poetry for his wife.
“Oh Fatima there is no good in life after you, I cry because I am afraid I will live for many years after you and I don’t want to live many years after you”
Imam Ali was 30 years when Fatima died and he died at 62, so he remained 33 years after her death.Towards the end of his life Imam Ali refused to put perfume on or to dye his beard they asked him why. he said I am still mourning Fatima Al Zahra. After 33 years he was still mourning Fatima, this is love. this is genuine love.
Ammar bin Yasir many months after Fatimas death says
“I saw Imam Ali sitting on the ground on the floor crying and weeping and his hildren sitting around him and the children are crying with him. I said oh Ali you are the most patient person why are you doing this yourself and your children, you are our motivation in patience”
Imam Ali replied
“Don’t blame me, when I was washing the body of Fatima she had a secret and I discovered it after washing her body and as I was doing so i felt a broken rib in her chest. I realised why she was in great pain so don’t blame me”
Let us go to the house of Fatima a the lonely dark house. All you can hear is the crying of Al Hasan, Hussain and Zainab for their mother. Imam Ali stood in middle of night to wash the pure body of Fatima a during the day the companions had come to ask about the time of burial, Ali told them that it was delayed until tomorrow”
You heard the will last night that no one participates except her immediate family members and she asked to be buried at night. When everyone was asleep along with Asma bint Umays he put her body on table and put the water on her body and Asma says all of the sudden I saw Ali sit on the ground and she asked him what is wrong and he replied “oh Asma as I put my hand on her chest I felt broken rib i just discovered this now”
Before he buried her he called his family and said come my children and say your last farewell to your mother they came and threw themselves on the body of their mother Hasan, Hussain and Zainab.
Imam Ali Says “I swear by god Fatima started crying and wailing she took out her hands and hugging her children” all of sudden he heard a call from sky, “lift the children from the chest of Fatima as they have made the angels weep for them”
Finally Imam Ali along with Salman, Abu Thar, Miqdad, Al Zubair, Hasan and Hussain they took Fatima to her final abode to her grave. Imam Ali digs that grave he goes inside into that grave he puts Fatima in the grave he comes out and pours the sand on the grave. Hadith says all of the sudden sadness overtakes the heart of Imam Ali and he says “I have finally lost Fatima! Fatima is gone!” He looks to grave of Rasool Allah only one he can complain to.
“Peace be on you Rasool Allah I am giving you back your daughter she is your guest tonight. remember on the night of my wedding you trusted me with Fatima I am giving you back what you trusted me on the night of my wedding, but oh Rasool Allah i am embarrassed for on the night of her wedding she was safe and sound but tonight she is going to you with a broken rib, please forgive me”
“Oh Rasool Allah we are burying your daughter at night, ask her what your ummah has done to her how they have oppressed her”
He sits on the grave and he weeps and cries he recites Quran and goes back home. As he enters his home he stopped at the door and looks at the door and he puts his forehead on the door and remembering what happened on that day how she was crushed between the door and the wall. He remembered the tragedy of how they broke her rib.
I say oh Imam Ali when you washed Fatima you noticed she had broken rib you had to sit because you saw one broken rib. Oh Imam Ali I wish you were at Karbala to see all the broken ribs of Hussain.
Umar Bin Sa’ad ordered ten solders to ride on their horses whilst Imam Hussain was alive he was looking at the horses whilst they rode over him. Lady Zainab comes to the body of Hussan after they beheaded him and ribs broken. She puts hands under the body she says
“Oh allah this is Hussain son of Ali, oh allah accept this sacrifice”
Lady Zainab look how she says she saw two tragedies “the one of my mother and by brother Hussain”
“I saw two fires however one is worse then the other. Fire that burnt our tent at Kabala and fire that burnt the door. and I saw two ribs. One pierced by a nail and one at karbala.”